Posts from the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

APRIL FOOL’S YOU FOOLS

Me last post was 100% false. Don’t be alarmed. Simply replace “my wife” with “a random whore”, “did NOT make love” with “had filthy sex all night long”, “grass” with “whiskey and beer soaked bacon chased with beer and whiskey”, “went to the opera” with “sang Irish drinking songs all night in a random bar with strangers”, “read a book” with “slept in a dirty alleyway with one-eyed cats and bags of garbage, still passed out from last night’s activities”….you know what? Everything is the opposite.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to see a hooker about a barrel of Jameson. Ta-ta!

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Earnin’ Me Manhood

HAPPY SAINT PATTY’S DAY ME FRIENDS!

There be so many stories about me revels on this most glorious holy day, but today also be me sexiversary, and in honor of this, I decided to tell ye the tale of how I became a man.

It was St. Patrick’s Day (may he rest in peace) the year I turned 11, and let me tell you, I was sloshed. I had had about 7 Guinesses, plus a bottle of Jameson, and I didn’t hold me liquor as well back then, so I was feelin’ it. Anywho, I was wanderin the streets, takin’ part in the festivities me hometown had, when I mistakenly wandered into a rather unsavory whorehouse that I thought was the town toystore/bar. That’s when I stumbled upon an unsatisfied “lady-of-the-night”. I don’t remember her name, or what she looked like. Anyways, I couldn’t just leave the poor hooker to be, so I strangled the sailor she was with usin’ only me bare hands. That’s when we started bangin’. And I was only 11. Afterwards, she was so grateful for me help and for the “fucking of a lifetime” (her words, not mine) that she baked me a bacon cake. And it tasted pretty ok. Also, while I was nailin’ her, I ghostwrote a Dropkick Murphys album. You’re welcome.

I dare you all to have a St. Patrick’s day more Irish than THAT.

It’s Coming….