APRIL FOOL’S YOU FOOLS

Me last post was 100% false. Don’t be alarmed. Simply replace “my wife” with “a random whore”, “did NOT make love” with “had filthy sex all night long”, “grass” with “whiskey and beer soaked bacon chased with beer and whiskey”, “went to the opera” with “sang Irish drinking songs all night in a random bar with strangers”, “read a book” with “slept in a dirty alleyway with one-eyed cats and bags of garbage, still passed out from last night’s activities”….you know what? Everything is the opposite.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to see a hooker about a barrel of Jameson. Ta-ta!

Sunday Day

This weekend was rather enjoyable, I must say. On Friday night, my lovely wife and I attended the opera. We saw Pagliacci. It was the most fun I’ve ever had. Ever! My wife and I retired to bed early. We did NOT make love.

On Saturday, I woke up early so I could go to the store and procure ingredients for a healthful breakfast of grass. I spent the afternoon reading a wonderful book called “The Bible”. For lunch, we feasted on grass and drank fresh milk from our gorgeous pet cow, Bitsy. That evening, we played board games until 8pm. It was quite wild. Our evening meal was grass sandwiches. Also, my wife and I once again, did NOT make love.

On Sunday, I woke up early, attended Church, and looked up some cute hairstyles for my lovely wife online. She is a treasure. We ate grass for every meal. This was a fun weekend!

 

Earnin’ Me Manhood

HAPPY SAINT PATTY’S DAY ME FRIENDS!

There be so many stories about me revels on this most glorious holy day, but today also be me sexiversary, and in honor of this, I decided to tell ye the tale of how I became a man.

It was St. Patrick’s Day (may he rest in peace) the year I turned 11, and let me tell you, I was sloshed. I had had about 7 Guinesses, plus a bottle of Jameson, and I didn’t hold me liquor as well back then, so I was feelin’ it. Anywho, I was wanderin the streets, takin’ part in the festivities me hometown had, when I mistakenly wandered into a rather unsavory whorehouse that I thought was the town toystore/bar. That’s when I stumbled upon an unsatisfied “lady-of-the-night”. I don’t remember her name, or what she looked like. Anyways, I couldn’t just leave the poor hooker to be, so I strangled the sailor she was with usin’ only me bare hands. That’s when we started bangin’. And I was only 11. Afterwards, she was so grateful for me help and for the “fucking of a lifetime” (her words, not mine) that she baked me a bacon cake. And it tasted pretty ok. Also, while I was nailin’ her, I ghostwrote a Dropkick Murphys album. You’re welcome.

I dare you all to have a St. Patrick’s day more Irish than THAT.

It’s Coming….

Me Weekend

I’m going to be honest with ye. I don’t remember a Blarney that happened this entire weekend. Not even making those delicious recipes, which I will try sometime. I promise to start being better at remembering things after I black out. FERGAL OUT!

Candy Shot Glasses

Completely edible shot glasses. I’ll leave the possibilities to your imagination.

Mix 1 Cup of sugar, 1/2 Cup of light corn syrup, and 1/4 cup of water in a sauce pan. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly to dissolve the sugar. Once the sugar is dissolved, toss in a candy thermometer. Without stirring, bring sugar concoction to about 295 degrees F. It’s very important to get it within just a few degrees.

Take sugar off heat, add flavorings and food coloring of your choice, and immediately pour into greased shot glass molds. Let cool

THIS WILL BE VERY HOT. If you get this sticky stuff on ye, yer’ll burn down to yer bones. Wear protection. Always.

Here are some flavorings that I like:

Orange: orange extract, orange food coloring; great with vodka, tequila, anything fruit

Lemon:  lemon extract, yellow food coloring; make the perfect lemon drop: lick sugar off yer hand, throw back lemon vodka from a lemon shot glass, then bite a lemon.

Blue Hawaiian: coconut and banana extracts, blue food coloring: Shoot Malibu, then chase with a piece of pineapple

Peppermint: peppermint extract, red food coloring; great receptacle for the Peppermint Patty recipe.

Bourbon Brownies

Grab a box o’ brownies (fudgey-like) and cook to directions. Add lots of chocolate chips. 

Poke with a fork. Drench with bourbon, and let sit. Cover so the alcohol doesn’t escape.

Take a can of maraschino cherries.

Pour out the juice. Fill with bourbon.

Let sit for a few hours so the cherries absorb the bourbon. Great alone as Cherry Bourbon Bombs.

Cut brownies, top with vanilla ice cream….

….chocolate syrup, and cherries.

Peppermint Patties

Peppermint Patties done right. Drink for dessert and liquid confidence. Plus, freshens yer breath after all that bacon.

 In a cocktail shaker filled with ice, pour a few ounces of Rumple Minze Peppermint Schnapps (100 proof, don’t waste yer time with the other ones)

Add a bit o’ Bailey’s Original. About half the shaker should be filled at this point, with more schnapps than Bailey’s.

Squeeze in some chocolate.

Fill the rest of the shaker with vodka. Shake. Serve.

Terrific in a flask.

Bacon Cake

For those who said it couldn’t be done. Sweet, savory, and topped with alcohol – just like my women.

1.) Grab yer favorite Just-Add-Water pancake mix, and just add water. Use about 3 cups of mix, the correct portion of water, then throw in some oil for good luck. Pour into a greased 9 x 13 pan, and cook until done. Drink half a cup of whiskey.

2.) Pull apart an entire pack of quality Maple bacon, and weave together like a pie crust (or so my woman says). Put foil on a cookie sheet, and put the weave on this. Throw some brown sugar on that shit, and put in the oven at about 400 degrees until bacon is cooked.

3.) Make a SAUCE. Mix 1 stick of butter and about a cup of brown sugar in a sauce pan. Cook until sugar dissolves. Add some vanilla, and the remaining half cup o’ whiskey.

4.) Slap Bacon Weave atop Pancake Cake. Pour whiskey sauce on top. Serve with whiskey.

Flowers

Does anyone out there know how to get rid of this damn flower? It is not very Fergal MacDermott.